Really Stupid Things I've Done

Some years ago while working at a radio station I received a record album with Braille liner notes. I thought this was really cool, and without my mind engaged I wondered if they ever did this kind of thing for the deaf. You know, pictures of hands spelling out the liner notes. When my mind finally engaged it occurred to me that, first: deaf people can read, and second: why would deaf people have a record album.

Several years ago I stopped at a convenience store and bought one of those pre packaged hamburgers. I didn't see a microwave, but did see a machine labeled "heat food here." The instructions indicated that I should "place food in bowl shaped tray and insert into machine," which I did. The burger wouldn't quite fit through the slot so I mashed it as flat as I could and kind of "jugged" in into the slot. The machine came on automatically and after a short time let me know that my burger was hot. When I pulled out the Styrofoam tray it was empty. The machine had eaten MY burger. In a storm of indignation I turned to complain to the clerk when something caught my eye. It was a microwave oven built under the counter. When I looked back at the machine I had used I noticed that next to it were cans of soup. Putting two and two together I reasoned that the machine was not really for burgers - which would explain the bowl shaped tray. I casually whistled my way out of the store and back on the road. All I could do was laugh out loud at my imagined reaction of the repair man when he opened the machine. "What stupid son of a b----, would put a hamburger in here? On a subsequent trip to the same store a few weeks later I noticed the addition of a really big sign: "This machine is for soup only!"

In the early 70's I worked for an advertising agency working with a radio station promoting a call letter change with a concert by a nationally named artist that they hadn't decided on. Brought into a meeting in progress I did not know that they had decided on the Carpenters for the concert. When I joined the meeting they were discussing billboards, some of which they might have to put up themselves. After some discussion of this the question was asked: "so how much will the Carpenters cost?" Thinking they were talking about building billboards and eager to show my expertise I piped in: "oh, ten or 15 dollars an hour at least." after an awkward silence the meeting went on, but I never lived it down.